If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get