what day is it and did you see me today?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
