hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
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I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
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Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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