Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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