Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
