I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
