my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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