I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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