Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
