I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
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I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
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I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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