The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
