I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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