I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
