Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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