a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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