You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
