When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
