i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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