either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
