i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Randomize