so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
