I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
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Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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