he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
