mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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