Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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