Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
