I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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