I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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