It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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