3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I didn't notice because vodka
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
