I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
