My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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