Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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