so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
