Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
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Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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