U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
