I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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