the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
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That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
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Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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