My liver just broke up with me...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
