Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
