i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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