I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
