just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
