I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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