Need sex. Gaining weight.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
