8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I AM VODKA MAN
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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