I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
