Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I checked into jail on foursquare
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
