Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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