I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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