I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
