I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
