True but thats because hes a fetus.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
