Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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