sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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