Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
