If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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