I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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