i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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