i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
