I can't watch pbs sober anymore
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
