What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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