nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
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Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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