i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
